I have as much interest in watching reality programmes on television as I do in watching parking meters expire or paint dry, or poking myself in the eye with a blunt cucumber.

Star chamber tactics employed by the plethora of cooking shows that are designed to frighten the shit out of contestants are becoming more common daily.

Maybe we need more cooking shows than we need wars, sometimes cooking shows resemble battlegrounds with contestants bullied to tears by the three fat pompous judges who sometimes wouldn’t know shit from their left elbow.

I am waiting for the day when one of the contestants doesn’t burst out crying or shaking like a dog shitting razor blades and turfs the pea & ham soup over these plasic pricks, they really are in danger of disappearing up their own arses.

But I digress because I want to talk about dancing.

Dancing with the Stars is a popular programme on Australian television designed to cater for the mentally challenged, most of the contestants have a rudimentary concept of dancing but the only reason they’re asked to be on the show is that their I.Q is the same as their shoe size or that they once farted in the presence of the Queen.

The new craze circumnavigating the world is Planking, once thought to be a totally harmless practice but has claimed the lives of some people in this country. Plonking or planking it all amounts to wanking.

In the world of C grade personalities some shockers emerge, in this case one Brynne Edelsten wife of criminal Doctor Geoffrey.

Remember when the Doc employed a hit man to recover some money from a rival back in the 80s? When all that turned to shit, the good Doc was given free acommodation on a government scholarship. Nothing like a stint in the “go slow” to bring you back to earth.

This absolutely talentless bimbo who uses her personality as a contraceptive and is as bubbly as a gully trap has been thrown into the spotlight by being married to the once good Doctor .

On the Doc of course you have to feel sorry for a man caught in the 70s in his glarishly fluorescent zoot suits. More like the pox doctors clerk than the doctor himself.

Lets be cruel to be kind, the women has started a new craze called vertical planking. Thats the only way to describe her attempts at ballroom dancing. She is as stiff as a honeymoon prick and how she has remained on the show beggars belief, more of that later.

One judge described her movements as akin to a sack of potatoes and danced as though she was looking to find a place to vomit. What about the viewers!! The other judges comments were all downward from there .

The women is brainless, talentless, and as welcome as a fart in a lift. If big tits and a rich husband are all it takes to become a 3rd grade personality in this town then I will opt for a penis enlargement.

On the serious side the show is manufactured, contrived and open to many forms of corruption.The judges comments are irrelevent regarding the ability of the dancers, and there as some good ones admittedly!

The votes of viewers are paramount when it comes to remaining on the programme and this is where the manipulation comes to the fore. My inside information is that the poisoned dwarf has employed a Telco using a number of different phone numbers including mobile and home numbers to increase the vote for our Brynne. This company operates from premises in Port Melbourne.

In this country we deserve the talentless 3rd class personalities we allow the media to impose on us, but this is a programme I would recommend if for no other reason than to watch this woman planking.

No real plankers were hurt during this blog